This month, Tantamount was temporarily eaten by brain-worms. We have had to wait for it to be spat out before resuming our correspondence, which continues to be a good object lesson in why the place you live is just fine, actually…
Headlines in Tantamount, perhaps the 1st of November, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag
The Ingenuk Gentlepersons Exploratory Journal
Eldred the Daring eaten by Carnivorous Boots, the Uncertain Territories at the edge of Tantamount are thankfully preserved from Discovery of any kind. p2
The Tantamount Herald
Spate of badger thefts shock town centre, p4
Yearly sacrifice of annoying children to the Thing That Lives in the Deep Pit near Worrisome Way has worked again, as the Thing has once again not eaten the town. p3
Tantribune
All squash mysteriously vanish overnight – was it BIG CATS?! p1
Magpie Statement
We have been asked to make a statement about the magpies. This is a statement. There are magpies. There are more than usual numbers of them, cavorting, playing, fighting, and attempting to sing. We do not believe the magpies have any malicious intent, and as such will be leaving them alone. We are very busy dealing with the pesky time fluctuations being caused by Morris dancers, and also testing each brand of biscuits in town to see which is best.
Tantamount Police
Weather Report
The weather today was a mistake. Regret pools in your stomach like a puddle of cold and scummy tea.
Alastair, Alastair,
Alastair upon the stairs
Drew an awful lot of stares
Did Alastair upon the stairs.
Alastair, Alastair,
Alastair upon the stairs
Eating everybody’s cares;
Alastair upon the stairs.
Alastair, Alastair,
Alastair upon the stairs
Turned into a mighty hare
Did Alastair upon the stairs.
Traditional children’s rhyme found written on the wall in Tantamount College toilets, followed by other, less traditional verses with rhymes such as “pears”, “wheelchairs”, and “grandiose affairs”.
Notice
This road will be closed next week for the Bluddening Ritual, in which we sacrifice a lot of blood to the road in order to trick it into thinking there have already been fatal accidents and therefore there don’t need to be any more. Persons who are expecting to be menstruating next week, please contact us if you want to take part. You will be paid for your services, and there will be biscuits.
Highway Services
Notice
Please be kind to the gnomes.
Bus Timetable
This stop is Shady Trees
Catch the number 67 for the following route:
Shady Trees>>>Pinfarthings>>>Lesser Pinfarthings>>>The Swamp>>>Market Memorial>>>Chthonic Drive>>>DumpsyTump(?)>>>Big Old Oak>>>Synagogue Lane>>>Oddbrain Quarry
Catch the number 32 for the following route:
ValevalleyinclineditchPark>>>Dogsthorpe>>>Dogscoombe>>>Catscoombe>>>Cowscoombe>>>Mammothscoombe>>>Shady Trees>>>Pinfarthings>>>Greater Pinfarthings>>>East Anglerfish>>>Amity>>>High Street>>>Carrion Corner>>>Dusk>>>Railway Station>>>Town Centre(usually) >>>Kindeath
Payment accepted in barterage.
THE DAUGHTER RETURNS!!!!
The Daughter returns to us! We have read the signs in the sky, the portents written across it in fiery hand at dusk! The gleaming lights that speak to us in ethereal voices soft and wondrous! We have smelt the briny scent of change on the wind that frisks the Severn, we have heard her voice in among the sussurus of autumn leaves and the secret gossip of the dryad and naiads. Her return is mirrored to us in a thousand tiny ways.
The Daughter Returns
The Daughter Returns
The Daughter Returns!!!!
leaflets found scattered across the town square, floating around the Larksbjorn Memorial as it whistled a melancholy air.
The Radical Streetband are recruiting!
Are you a musician?
Do you want to Fight the Power?
Have you an experience with Offensive or Defensive Musical Theory?
Join the Radical Streetband!
We stand for:
- Food for all!
- Housing for all!
- Art for all!
- Playing incessant music at your enemies until the give up and go home!
- Especially playing music whenever Old White Men of middle or upper class try to talk about anything.
- An end to Carrion!
- Better irrigation systems in the town!
- Boiled eggs!
Join today!
Proverb of the day: Every cloud has a silver lining. Found written in chalk across the pavement of Withershins Walk.
Most clouds don’t have linings, because most clouds are neither clothes nor pillows. HOWEVER we understand that this is a metaphor for bad situations and finding the good in them. For example, you may be falling off a cliff, but the view is probably lovely. This attitude puzzles us. We think it is unfair to expect a sentient being who finds themself in an unfortunate situation to try to see the good in it. This is surely adding insult to injury. If the world seems dark and full of teeth, it probably is and you should at the very least be allowed to talk about that, and perhaps find anti-teeth protective gear.
We don’t expect you to lie about how you feel: in Tantamount, we will allow you to be miserable.
Tantamount Shadow Council
Notice
We are not having bonfires this year. Instead we are all going to sit in the dark and think about what we’ve done, and perhaps light a candle or two.
There may also be plans to torch the house of the self-declared Grand High Rich Overseer of all, but we’re keeping those quiet.
(there will be toffee apples for the children and pitchforks for the adults. The Spirit of Winter is giving a speech, and Laura Lovelace is bringing the Blessed Coffee Machine, and the Ascendant Community Choir will be there to sing songs)
Tantamount Shadow Council
Lost: teacup, delicate, painted blue and yellow in geometric patterns and containing the last wishes of a seacaptain who died marooned in a desert. Call Declan xxxxx 821822
Lost: Small squirrel, name of Godfrey, in possession of the location of the tree of buried bones. Andi xxxxx724210
Found: Carrion feathers, scattered across the square. Free to anyone who wants them! Will drive/boat/fly to drop them off! Please take them! Lucy xxxx 445368
For Sale: Handmade all terrain bicycle with built in lifeboat, compass, spiritual compass, flares, mini charms, prayers attached to the wheels and parachute. Joyce xxxxx622178
Warning
Deep water. Beasts below. Do not swim here.
…think I understand what happened, but I have to say I still really miss you. It’s not that I’m not alright without you, it’s just that I miss the cafe. I got a new job at the Subscription Rooms and I’ve been reorganising the Complaints File (it was being used as a nest for a fire demon called An). The historians all keep talking about some kind of Cataclysm, and Saltlick Bookcavern ate seven people yesterday, which is a smaller than usual number. I have moved into the Well, which is surprisingly cosy. Mila-of-the-Well says the magpies are important. I wish I knew what was going on Take care, okay?
Letter fragment found pinned to the door of Pinprick Cafe
Be ready for the snow, for it knows where you live and has long prepared for this.
Tantamount Shadow Council
Those of you following me will have noticed I’ve been quiet lately. I’ve had a lot going on, and not enough time or energy to really do as much blogging as I’d like. I’m also having to think about finding a new home for The Life and Times of Angel Evans, as the Booksmugglers are sadly not continuing in their capacity as a publisher, and I haven’t had the space to do the things! I’m hoping to be around more often soon, but in the meantime I hope you enjoy this dose of silliness….
