Tales From Tantamount: December of the Year of the Abandoned Shopping Trolley

This post is a story! A strange story, but a story! The first installment of Tales From Tantamount. Don’t worry, I will still do book reviews as well. Enjoy the weirdness. I’d recommend readers be 13ish and up – there’s going to be the occasional swear and some “mature themes”.

Tales from Tantamount

Being a found record of the town of Tantamount, starting in December of the year of the Abandoned Shopping Trolley and continuing into the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag.

TANTAMOUNT, adj: equivalent in seriousness to. Italian ‘tanto montare’= ‘amount to much’

noun: a small, strange town somewhere near the Severn, known to move about.

Welcome to Tantamount!

Population: undefined/nebulous.

Visitors to Tantamount are required to attend the orientation classes held at the Tourist Information Centre. Failure to attend these classes will be punished by Carrion. Tantamount takes no responsibility for injury, loss of life, spiritual dislocation or other harm caused to visitors who have not attended orientation.

We hope you enjoy your stay

Tantamount Tourist Board.

Do not feed the maelids!

Tantamount has a serious maelid problem. Please do not exacerbate it by feeding them. Maelids are quickly driving out the native dryads in the area, and feeding maelids will undermine our conservation work. Maelids are encouraged to remain in their own trees.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

Proverb of the Day: To have time, you have to make time. Chinese. Found on a teabag in a bin outside the Pinprick Cafe.

Tantamount District Council hopes that, in this difficult time, you will take some comfort from this proverb of the day. Tantamount District Council would also like to remind all residents that feeding time for Carrion is at 9:49pm sharp, and we advise residents to stay clear of the designated feeding zones at this time.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

A Short History of Tantamount, as recounted by A. Larksbjorn, infamous historian, to a live audience shortly before she fell foul of dislocation.

“History in Tantamount is notable due to its capricious nature. Native residents of Tantamount often find it hard to believe that in other places, history sits still and allows itself to be merely observed. Here, history is alive. It  moves. It changes daily depending on current and future trends.

“The current founding history of Tantamount is much unchanged, as the records are held in a Dead Zone. This means that it only changes in extreme circumstances. Other details are more changeable. For example, at the moment the earliest records of Tantamount are of a village that resisted Roman invaders. In fact, the Romans believed it to be cursed and would not go near it. The natives knew it as Inge, or possibly Ingenuk (although this could be a misspelling). It was left alone by common consent.

“There is currently a dispute as to whether Tantamount eventually capitulated; the Italian-based name suggests that it did, but there is little other evidence. Perenially, it seems that Tantamount moved for some time in order to be part of the Danelaw, and currently that is very strongly favoured, although the evidence for this tends to vanish at full moon.

“There is, of course, a founding myth. This myth goes that a tribe were lost and wandering in a storm. They prayed. And something delivered them – in most versions a female something. For many years there was prosperity. And then someone did something: this varies greatly. The chief refused to sacrifice his bull. The chief’s daughter sacrificed the chief’s bull without permission. The Chief tried to sacrifice his daughter, who was then turned into a bull. Somehow, insult was caused. In almost every version the daughter is transformed into a magpie or a bull. Tantamount was cursed to wander, or was blessed with wandering, or was simply cast out by the Something.

“Of course, with the advent of the internet and other…..

[at this point, A. Larksbjorn is attacked by a violent fit of dislocation. The crowd summoned a first aider, who performed a lovely song, but the dislocation was of such strength that A. Larksbjorn was lost. A memorial to her stands in the town centre. It sings at 43 minute intervals.]

Chef required

Must have own insurance. Karmic training preferable, but will accept past life experiences. References required (references from pigeons will not be accepted due to high levels of spamming). Enthusiasm about vegan food, stews and fortune-telling essential. Apply within.

Management,

Pinprick Cafe.

Please Note

The public marijuana fountain is not recommended for the use of anyone under the age of sixteen and/or expectant divinities and/or those recovering from accidental Carrion. The public marijuana fountain has been installed for the enjoyment of residents, and must be used responsibly. Please report any adverse reactions, including hallucinations, paranoia, illusions of grandeur, the sensation of linear history, or itching to your nearest Council official. Alternatively dial xxxxx777 777 and give your message to the bees.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

Weather Report

The weather today has been foxy with slight showers and a side of smooth jazz-folk fusion. School children were especially affected.

Warning!

Visitors to the launderette are reminded that the management accepts no responsibility for incorrectly fed dragons. Please follow the instructions exactly. Singed clothes are not our responsibility. Remember to leave a sock for the Laundry Lady.

Thanks.

RE: Chef required

TO: management@pinprickcafe.tan

FROM: laurallovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Madam, Sir or Mx,

I am writing to enquire about the advertised chef position at your establishment. I have insurance with the Yoga Alliance, which I understand is generally accepted for minor kitchen accidents. I have informal karmic training, and have recently gone on an extensive past life workshop with Aethel and Aelfred at the Tourist Information Centre. They said that I have a knack for fire. I am, to be honest, only a little bit interested in stews but I’m sure I could learn more about them. I love fortune-telling.

Please find my references attached.

Best wishes,

Laura Lovelace

Attachments: references.doc

anitiviral blessing.doc

NOTICE OF ROAD CLOSURE

This road, commonly known as Pinfarthing Way, will be shut on the 31st of December for the traditional Old Year festivities. Residents are invited to partake in the procession, beginning at 5pm from the A. Larksbjorn memorial and ending outside the Subscription Rooms with a performance from a local choir. There will then be a Dance of Mockery, complete with Mummers, signifying the utter uselessness of the last twelve months. Fires will be lit along Pinfarthing Way, and the history battles will be enacted by schoolchildren of Oakshade Primary. Bodies are expected to be cleared by 1pm on the 1st January; we recommend that residents plan alternative routes if they wish to travel that day.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.


Expect to hear more from Tantamount in early January.



Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Advertisements

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. gothicmangaka
    Dec 21, 2017 @ 17:41:44

    Reblogged this on The Moth Festival and commented:
    Tantamount is amazing, and clearly some sort of sister town to Hopeless, Maine.

    Reply

  2. gothicmangaka
    Dec 21, 2017 @ 17:42:23

    HUZZAH Tantamount!!!! Joy and strange rapture!!

    Reply

  3. Nimue Brown
    Dec 27, 2017 @ 10:27:59

    Glorious!

    Reply

  4. Trackback: Hopeless, Maine-sister communities | The Hopeless Vendetta

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: