Tales from Tantamount: January of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag, part two

For those of you planning to journey to the wandering town of Tantamount, a reminder of why you should not do that, in the form of things found in the town.

POLICE NOTICE

The police are currently searching for an unlicensed Morris dancing side. The side, calling themselves the Tantamount Tricksters, have failed to update their safety registration. They have gatecrashed several Morris events and are believed to be planning a hijack of the Mummer’s Unconvention. Unlicensed Morris is a severe threat to the stability of the Tantamount community, and should be reported in the first instance. The Tantamount Tricksters wear black and red ragcoats, half-painted faces and broken tophats. Do not approach them! Report sightings anonymously to xxxx 262 626

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Police

 

Register to Vote

Please do not forget to register to vote. If you are not on the electoral roll, you may not vote. Elections are due to be held in May – these will be District and Town Council elections. As most of you don’t have a clue what either the District or the Town Councils are responsible for (and neither do the Councils), people who do not turn up to vote will have their vote randomised. If you actually give a flying flip who is in power, we recommend that you register now to ensure your right to vote, and then actually vote!

It should be noted that last year, despite record voter turnout, Tantamount still elected a bunch of brainless gits and one goat to the Town Council.

Regards,

The Tantamount Electoral Team

Please fill out the attached form and return it for maximum paper wastage.

 

MISSING:  Tantamount Library has been missing since January 5th, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag. It was last seen sidling towards the Dumpsy Tump. It is believed that a History Flux may be responsible. Tantamount District Council are doing their best to track down the library, and are working alongside the police, two noted architects and a living historian. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Tantamount Library should contact us on xxxxx 777 717 – tell the bees it’s urgent!

 

Weather Report

Sca-da-ba-de-ba-dooo-whop! Baaaaaaaah! Ba-do-ba-do-ba-do-shooooo-sca-ah-do-wah! Be-do, be-do. Bass guitarists were especially affected and the roads were jammed for several hours due to stray jazz chords.

 

Notice

Please ignore the fish. It is only trying to get your attention.

 

New Chef at Pinprick Cafe

The Tantamount Grapevine (official) has reported rumours of a new chef at the Pinprick Cafe. Her name is Lara, Laura, Lorraine, or Catherine (sources disagree).  She is not interested in stew, but will tell your fortune using leftover salad leaves and broccoli stems. The Tantamount Grapevine can also report that she has possibly spent some time Out Of Town; no further details. Her tagliatelle is fantastic. Don’t ask about the owl. It is possible that she used to live with Aeoife, you know, the one who had the affair with whats-her-face from the Town Council but it was never confirmed because she was Carrioned accidentally. More to follow!

 

Notice

The traditional apple tree wassails have this year been cancelled. This is due to Tantamount’s ongoing maelid problems. These apple-nymphs are already out and about and kicking other nymphs dryads out of their trees. Therefore, they require neither awakening or encouraging. A set of alternative wassails have been compiled, including pear, plum, walnut, fig, acorn, beech, juniper, and others. Tantamount residents are encouraged to partake in these alternative revels , so as not to exacerbate the maelid infestation.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council

 

FOUND: half a child’s shadow, split vertically, approximately 3ft 2, appears to be wearing long coat and have curly hair. Contact Immi xxxxx 352 122

LOST: big cat, last seen making off with a small deer into purgatory woods. Answers to Fridwulfa. Contact Dave xxxxx 798 225

FOR SALE: Chicken coop, large (fits ten hens comfortably), wooden. Painted green with pentagrams of protection over the doors. V sturdy. Last blessed a year and a half ago by Gerard Boblinson, has another six months of guarantee. Comes with a free charmbag, mixed goods. Contact Delia xxxxx 002 003

 

Tantamount Twinning Ceremony

We are proud to announce that Tantamount will be officially announcing its twinning with the mendicant town of Faethm, which is usually found in the Sussex area, but sometimes Sweden. Faethm currently has many historical ties with Tantamount, although of course this may change. The famous Dumpsy Tump was at one point found in Faethm; we stole it back pretty quick though. Faethm has previously attempted to attach itself to Tantamount and been driven away by Carrion.

A public consultation will be held to decide how to celebrate this twinning. Suggestions so far include a great big booze up, a nice cup of tea, a traditional English Fair, and the sacrifice of a virgin goat.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council


Expect to hear more from Tantamount in February, at some point… 
Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com


 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. piesandwich
    Jan 16, 2018 @ 15:17:27

    Dear Tantamount District Council,
    I am writing to you to convey my shock and abhorrence about the proposed “sacrifice of a virgin goat” up for discussion at your public consultation. It staggers me that we still live in such dark and uniformed times that you would see these beautiful, elegant and intelligent creatures put to death just for the sake of public spectacle and amusement!
    In reaction to your proposition I have taken it upon myself to prevent any chance of your “sacrifice” at the expense of considerable effort and exertion on my part. I have personally seen to it that is entirely impossible to locate ANY goats within Tantamount that comply with the prerequisite you specified.
    Yours sincerely
    A concerned citizen.

    P.S.
    If you could run a small notice in your weekly news I would be grateful. It reads as follows:
    “Give it a good stuffing” taxidermy will be closed for a week of relaxation and recuperation so Jeff can recharge his ..batteries. Sorry for any inconvenience or unexpected goat pregnancy.

    Reply

    • Meredith
      Jan 16, 2018 @ 15:53:28

      Tantamount District Council would like to announce that it does not, repeat, DOES NOT support this particular brand of citizen protest. Concerned citizens are invited to go through the official channels of communication, which we have cleverly obfuscated with lots of legalese and a cleverly placed shrubbery. We are sure that one of the newspapers would be happy to run your advert. Tantamount Town Council has no comment, and in this case their spokesperson was rather busy chewing on trees…

      Reply

  2. Nimue Brown
    Jan 18, 2018 @ 14:12:50

    So much awesomeness. Could we not just give the goats either the booze or the tea?

    Reply

    • Meredith
      Jan 18, 2018 @ 14:57:57

      Tantamount District Council may or may not take your suggestion into account. It really depends what mood they’re in and how much booze they’ve had… And thanks! Glad to hear you think it’s awesome 😀

      Reply

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