Tales From Tantamount: February of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag, part one

Being a further record of the happenings in the town of Tantamount, a slightly odd and usually lost town often located near the Forest of Dean.

Headlines in Tantamount February 1st

The Tantamount Herald
Council up in arms over “Leap Day” scandal amid claims that the extra day is a European conspiracy! p2
Tantribune
Imbolc celebrations may cause town-wide hysteria, according to imaginary experts. More on p5
Tantamount Life
MY HELLISH MISERY! Stay-at-home dad, missing for two years, reveals that toddler accidentally sent him to faerieland. Full story on p11-13

 

Proverb of the day: An apple a day keeps the devil away. Unfortunately, extensive scientific investigation has proven this proverb to be untrue. Other things that are untrue include chem trails, electrosensitivity, and money. Therefore we advise that you deposit all your used conspiracy theories and theoretical currency in the bin below to be disposed of safely.
Tantamount District Council

 

RE: stew recipe
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: laurallovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora Hope,
Please find attached a recipe for a stew – it was given to me by a rather upset dog yesterday. As you know I am not overly interested in stew, however I think this recipe bears some looking at. With a few tweaks it could be a new staple at Pinprick Cafe, and the fishbones should make for good fortunetelling. Please read and let me know what you think.
Also, will we be acknowledging the Leap Day, or moving straight into March?
Best wishes,
Laura Lovelace
Attachments: Dogstew recipe.doc
antiviral blessing.doc

 

LIVE POETRY AT THE PINPRICK CAFE
featuring
INGRID THE INELUCTABLE
BOB THE BASTARD
and introducing
the EXISTENTIAL EPICENTRIC EARTHQUAKE of EDITH with their debut collection
BLAM
7:30pm till late
Drinks, snacks and crisis counselling available at the bar. Admission T6.25, 9th February

 

RE RE: stew recipe
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan

Dear Laura,

This is a good recipe – I have made some changes and hope you will introduce it as a new dish. That dog must have really liked you!
We will be running with the Leap Day – I don’t like Julius Caesar myself but the Leap Days are fun. Also find attached the flyer for the poetry gig that we are hosting.
Best wishes,
Thora Hope
Attachments: Blam poetry night.doc
Antiviral blessing.doc

 

Notice

Waterworks to take place here on Dark Lane Way through the second half of February. These essential waterworks are for maintaining the culveted springs below the road, and making ceremonial offerings of propitiation to prevent flooding later in the year. Anyone wishing to take part in the ceremony should contact Severn Trent on xxxxx 728 888 NO PIGEONS

Thanks, Severn Trent

 

Weather Report

The weather today was clear as glass and occasionally interrupted by high-pitched zagreets. Domestic animals were noticeably irritated, and several public bathrooms were wrecked.

Notice

It would appear that Tantamount has moved into the Severn. We urge residents to remain calm, and not to attempt to leave the town except at low tide. We have provided every household that we care about with water-breathing apparatus, and are taking advantage of our new position to go fishing. An oneiromancer and a Town-whisperer are being consulted on when they believe Tantamount will move again.
Tantamount District Council

RIOTS IN THE STREETS
The Tantamount Grapevine (official) can confirm that a riot took place last night, shortly after the Carrion had departed. A group of furious pensioners armed with megaphones, baseball bats and SCUBA gear took over the streets for a good hour. Several shops were set alight, windows were broken, and the public marijuana fountain was trashed (we’re all quite sad about that).
The rabble eventually retreated to the bingo hall, where they used numerology to summon a Being from Beyond (we don’t know where it’s beyond). We heard from trusted sources that, when the rioting reached Pinprick Cafe, Thora Hope defended the premises by wielding an enormous salmon. Jeff’s taxidermy shop was wrecked, although some witnesses claim that was not pensioners but angry goats disguised as pensioners.
More to follow!


Tantamount will return at some point in mid-February. Should you need to catch up, there is a page on my website with links 🙂
Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

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