Tales From Tantamount: Probably March of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Headlines in Tantamount March 1stish
The Tantamount Herald
ISN’T IT NICE THAT IT IS NOW MARCH? EVERYONE AGREES THAT MARCH IS THE BEST! MORE ON THIS STORY ON P2-6
Tantribune
Rave party wakes Eldritch Terror – Eldritch Terror very polite, covered in glowsticks. Story cont. p3
Leap Day celebrations bring new sightings of the Tantamount Tricksters, rogue Morris Side. Tally of losses p4
Tantamount Life
New map of Tantamount unveiled – includes location of the library which has returned! See centre spread.

Weather report
Today the weather was reminiscent of a shower of chocolate confetti. Children everywhere were disappointed.

Notice

The twinning ceremony with Faethm is to be held later this month. Due to ridiculous bickering, the twinning will be celebrated with a Traditional English Fayre (complete with Viking Re-enactment) where everyone will be able to get a nice cup of tea. Later there will be a Booze Up, and, when everyone is sufficiently drunk, the sacrifice of a virgin goat.
We are still trying to find a virgin goat willing to take part in this event; please contact us with any leads.
Many thanks,
Tantamount District Council

Reminder
Carrion will occur in the designated places at 7:14am sharp and last for twenty-seven minutes. We should not have to remind you. It has always been this way.
Tantamount District Council

VISIT TANTAMOUNT
This stunning town nestles gently into the landscape, surrounded on all sides by hills/mountains/water/woodland/fields/Gloucester (delete as appropriate). This historical town is unlike any you will find elsewhere, full of history and relaxing things to do. Enjoy the Museum of the Present! Stroll gently through the Public Parks! Go cowtipping, and laugh as they gently tip you back! Be pleasantly terrified by the Carrion from the safety of your hotel room! This is a holiday you won’t regret! Scenic!!!
LeafletputtogetherbytheTantamountTouristBoardthisleafletdoesnotguaranteeTantamountisinanywaysafeorpleasantandmaynotresembleanyactualfacts.Tantamountisknowntobetrickytoleavethisisnotourfaultandyoucantblameus.

Meet and greet at the Library:
The Eldritch Terror from under Wapley Quarry will be at Tantamount Library on maybe the 18th March to discuss its origins as a Tantamount Living Legend. Joanna Preet, author of Living Legends, will be there to argue with the Eldritch Terror about her version of its reality. Biscuits will be available, and the survivor will sign books.

Notice
Don’t turn around.

Weather report
The weather today was stolen from November. It made you want to cling to hot mugs and kick your feet through leaves that weren’t there. Men of 46 were especially affected.

Proverb of the day: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Found in a morally pretentious collection of children’s stories. We have never been sure what this means, why you would have a bird in your hand or, indeed, in your bush. However Tantamount District Council tries to avoid policing the personal lives of the town’s residents, so long as they are not doing anything illegal, ethically ambiguous, or slightly irritating. Further to this, we would like to announce that we have shot all the spam-pigeons that have been sent to us in the last week.
Many thanks
Tantamount District Council.

HAVE YUO SUFFERED AN ACCIDENT?yOU MAY BE OWEED KARMIC RECOMPENSE!!!
note found gripped in the feet of a dead spam pigeon

YOUR TOWN NEEDS YOU!
Are you interested in history?
Do you enjoy near-death experiences?
YOU COULD BE A HISTORIAN!

The Larksbjorn Historian training will be taking place this Friday at the Subscription Rooms. Aethel will be assisting Amelie Ng (the current-most experienced historian in Tantamount) in training up new historians. This course is FREE, and all equipment will be provided. You may die. Should you survive three consecutive training days, you will be appointed as a town historian, provided with a house and a generous food budget, and sent out to tame history.
Please note that if there are not enough volunteers we will have to conscript historians, and that won’t make anyone happy….

Maelid update
Tantamount District Council is pleased to announce that noticeable headway has been made with the maelid infestation. Who knew that they had a natural predator in the feral wild boar? Not us! The maelids have mostly moved back to their trees, and with time we hope the other dryads will return.
Tantamount District Council

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWKGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWK
Regards, the Carrion

RE: Banned list
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan
Dear Laura,
I can confirm that the Eldritch Terror is not on our banned list, and is generally a pleasant customer. I’m working on digging up the entire list, but the most important people who are not allowed in the cafe are as follows:

  • Tantamount District Council
  • Jeff the Taxidermist
  • Spottyfaceman
  • Axel Edwin August the IV
  • Anyone called Bob.
  • The ENTIRE District Council
  • Lisa Wilson
  • Rahel

The Woman in the Well is not banned, exactly, but she is only allowed to stay for thirty minutes at a time. As long as she gets a free espresso, she is fine with this.
Best wishes,
Thora Hope
AntiviralBlessing.doc
BannedList.doc


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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. peterosser
    Mar 04, 2018 @ 18:54:29

    Rude!

    Reply

  2. YogaRuby
    Mar 12, 2018 @ 14:50:08

    I love this one too!

    Reply

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