Tales From Tantamount: Definitely March of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

More correspondence from Tantamount, an idiosyncratic town that occasionally goes missing…

FOUND: Small stone labyrinth, in the guttering of Saltlick Bookcavern. Remnants of red paint. Call  Arnie xxxxx 902121

RUSSAIN MANCANDY NEAR U WLD LIKE TO MEET SEXY PERSON OR TREE!!!

Found spat out on the pavement near a bin.

 

The Internet Revolution

Notes on the latest paper by Amelie Ng by Jamie Mansur. Remember this is due in next week!

  1. DISAGREE.Current evidence indicates an internet presence in Tantamount from the 1800’s.
  2. Internet wiring at first instance functioned along phonelines, and so bees were used a lot.
  3. Why are the bees dying???
  4. Experiments have been done with wasps and bats.
  5. Social media has had a positive effect on Tantamount’s relations to non-wandering reality: discuss. [see Amelie Ng’s first paper: tweeter.tan. For outside perspective, try that one co-authored by Mary Beard].
  6. There is a school of thought that says the success of the internet is mainly due to the blood sacrifice of pigeons. This seems kinda obvious to me? The other main school of thought is that somehow the advent of the internet and the disappearance of the cemeteries are related. Clearly fallacy.
  7. JAMIE YOU NEVER TALK TO ME ANYMORE I AM SO HUNGRY WHY WON’T YOU FEED ME ALL I ASK FOR IS FOOD AND COMPANIONSHIP AREN’T WE FRIENDS JAMIE AREN’T WE FRIENDS IT IS SO LONELY INSIDE THE MACHINE
    1. Note to self – buy a new laptop!
  8. Read up on the Danelaw period – currently this is important esp. regarding online Things.
  9. &&83()322095<>nnfi))jr3 jamiepleasejamie<<>>/////////

 

Weather Report

The weather today was lambent mist, filled with soft and friendly voices. A lot of beautiful youths were lost.

Notice

If you are stupid enough to disturb the daffodil beast you deserve everything you get.

Tantamount District Council

 

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

The plant is unusually touchy about its weight. Anyone found mocking the plant will be fined T75.00 and thrown to the Morris Dancers.
Tantamount District Council

 

FOUND: The Dumpsy Tump!

RE RE: Banned list
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora,

Please find attached my formal request for holiday time, and thanks for the banned list.

Also, the Woman in the Well has been coming in nearly every day, which is obviously fine, but don’t customers usually sit in the cafe area? It’s a little disconcerting having her in the kitchen…

Best wishes,
Laura Lovelace
AntiviralBlessing.doc
HolidaySchedule.doc

 

Tantamount Grapevine – UNOFFICIAL!

We can confidently report (because we’ve heard from trustworthy sources) that historian training sign-ups are at an all time low! They haven’t been lower since the Year of the Lonely Platypus, according to our Nan, although Old Ash says it was lower in the Year of the Demented Otter.  Either way, trainee historians are dropping faster than, well, trainee historians. And we even heard that Amelie Ng got hit by a bout of Dislocation the other day, which she escaped through judicious use of hopscotch…

 

Warning

This road, known as Road Road, will be closed for the twinning ceremony with Faethm. It’s irrelevant to the ceremony, we just thought we’d close it for fun. The police will be out in force on the night; they have asked us to tell you that they are bribeable with alcohol and woolly gloves. We are expecting a large contingent of magpies. Attendance is mandatory unless you really really don’t want to come.
Tantamount District Council

 

Notice

We are aware of the piano, and taking appropriate action. In the meantime, please do not approach. Those keys are sharp…

 

Weather report
IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS

 

FOUND: Unused ideas, carefully wrapped in tissue paper. They smell a bit like hot cross buns. Ish xxxxx 222 123

LOST: Shiny trombone full of bees! PLease return! Reward! Manda xxxxx 721 228

LOST: Body, human, male. Aged 29 years, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin. Last seen wearing a green tee, jeans, and a jacket with ‘Mythos’ emblazoned on the back. Call Meryl xxxxx 199 901

FOR SALE: Seven League boots, barely used. Kalila xxxxx 082166

 

RE  RE RE: Banned list
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan

Dear Laura,

THE WOMAN IN THE WELL SHOULD NOT BE IN THE KITCHEN! NO CUSTOMERS SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN!

Ask her to leave. If she refuses, tell her the management has authorised you to turn on the dehumidifier.

I am happy to talk to her if this gets tricky – I don’t want to put you in a difficult situation. I have no idea why the Woman in the Well would be doing this all of a sudden!

Best wishes,
Thora Hope
PS your holiday dates are all approved.
AntiviralBlessing.doc

 

RE RE RE RE: Banned list
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora,

I am fine to ask her myself, but thanks! It’s probably just a misunderstanding. Does she ever look familiar to you?

Best wishes,
Laura
AntiviralBlessings.doc

 

Proverb of the day: Blood is thicker than water. Found scrawled in graffiti at a murder scene. We understand that you are all a bit upset about how the twinning ceremony with Faethm went. However, have you realised that blood makes wonderful gravy?

Tantamount District Council


Tantamount will return in April, we hope…

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Nimue Brown
    Mar 15, 2018 @ 12:23:18

    Love it.

    Reply

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