Tales From Tantamount: The Depths of April, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Tantamount continues to exist, despite the odds. And despite the odds, we continue to receive messages from the inside. They paint a picture that is almost incomprehensible to outsiders. How much is real? How much is the residents having a laugh at the expense of the outside world? Without visiting, we cannot know…

Poetry Summoning at the Subscription Rooms

Join us this Thursday for a poetry summoning. You will need a pen/cil, paper, a photograph of a childhood sweetheart, and a teaspoonful of bovril. We will gather together at the Twittering Hour, silently, in the lugubrious space of the blue room. The Elegiac Choir will be present to sing us into an appropriate mood. Mournfully, we shall draw the Three Circles of Threnodial Subjugation with blue chalk. Then, inside the gentle melancholy of the Circles’ embrace, Andreas Furbelow will lead us in a meditation calling upon the Spirit of Poetry to open in our hearts. Now ecstatic, our souls will spill out, inky, onto the page. We will continue until we are done.

Call Andreas Furbelow (Poet and Skald) for bookings: xxxxx721162

 

HERETICAL ORDER OF TROMBONISTS PRACTICE SESSION

GREEN ROOM, NR. BLUE ROOM

SUBSCRIPTION ROOMS

THURSDAY

BRING YOUR OWN TROMBONE

 

Weather report

Today the weather was a mixture of Motown beats and kulning. Cows were sighted dancing funkily all over the town.

 

Tantamount Grapevine (official)

So, the Pinprick Cafe has been closed for nearly two weeks now. Annette says it’s because the chef (Lara?) is on holiday and Thora decided she might as well have a holiday too. But Jacquelle says she saw the Woman in the Well hanging about near the cafe and dripping everywhere, and that she thinks it’s a bit odd, if you know what she means. Aaron swears he saw both Thora and Laura near Saltlick Book Cavern with supersoakers and pentagram jackets. He claims that Thora is a member of the Shadow Council, but that’s definitely nonsense. And Aethel and Aelfred had an enormous public row near the A Larksbjorn memorial. It was so vicious that a swarm of bees descended on them and they were forced to stand very still until the bees left. Also that Edith (the poet) has managed to evolve to have wings somehow: they have very lovely wings, quite fancy.

 

WARNING

PLEASE DO NOT DRIVE INTO THIS WALL!

WE MEAN IT!!!

 

Notice

The Serendipitous Squid has taken ill recently. We believe this is likely due to littering and aura pollution. As our wildlife expert has yet to return from negotiating with the Wild Boar, we have hired an anti-littering patrol consisting of five-year-olds equipped with cattle prods, and an auric cleansing expert to clean the mystic crystals which surround Llyn Dwfn Tywyll Lake. Thoughts and prayers for the Serendipitous Squid can be left in the donation box.

Tantamount District Council

 

FOUND: Spare room, unattached. Found near Pithy Way. Has yellow wallpaper. Lottie xxxxx 209 123
FOUND: Crate of air goldfish, badly contained. Anya xxxxx 776524
LOST: Extremely precious toenail clipping. Dom xxxxx 716 128
FOR SALE: Flamingoes, pink. Mostly housetrained, very good at protective hexes. Latisha xxxxx 085276

 

Police Notice

The police are looking for a person. We are not sure what they look like. Their aura was turquoise. They had a face. They are presumed dangerous. Do not approach. They lost us in the Carrion. We don’t remember. We don’t remember. The darkness descended. The police are looking for a person. Contact us. Use the bees. Their aura was green. They had a face. Their eyes were slices of laughter. They lost us in the Carrion. It is your duty, as a citizen of Tantamount, to help the police. They did something. We don’t know who they are.

 

Notice

Spring is late this year. We can only presume that she is still sleeping somewhere deep in the earth. A Spring awakening ceremony will be held on the Dumpsy Tump. We will begin gently, with soft singing and a rendition of the famous morning song Truly, it is time to get out of bed. Hot tea will be poured onto the earth to encourage Spring’s awakening. After an hour, we will move onto more rousing songs such as Hades is no fun anyway, We are all bloody cold, Oh Spring and When will the Daffodil Beast run free once more?. A mass fry up will be made, and devoured with many appreciative noises. Should all this fail, we will be forced to elect a Champion to travel into the Dumpsy Tump and hit the gong. Hopefully, it will not come to this.

Tantamount District Council

 

THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES

note found scrawled on pieces of green paper strewn across Tantamount


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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nimue Brown
    Apr 16, 2018 @ 11:10:39

    I want to write all of these songs.

    Reply

  2. gothicmangaka
    Apr 16, 2018 @ 17:13:12

    Bloody. Genius. ^^

    Reply

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