Tales From Tantamount: Maybe May of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

This special missive from Tantamount proves that Tantamount has both bloggers and blogs, though perhaps not all the time and certainly not in a consistent relationship with each other. This particular extract was found floating through the electronic aether chasing sparrows, and is believed to be a fairly accurate depiction of the voting process in this bizarre place…

7:15am Welcome to this live blog of the Council elections, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag. I am Suri, and I will be blogging throughout the day as Tantamount goes to the polls. It’s a busy morning so far: Spring is out and about and looking gorgeous as ever. Unfortunately, Summer is out as well and they appear to be doing battle.

7:22am Oh! What a hit! Summer clocks Spring with an uprooted tree! Impressive stuff.

7:23am appparently Spring knows judo… Also, the polling stations are now set up, and include Darkway House, Furaha Hall, Sally’s Church, Nymphtree Station and Yestreen Hall.

7:25am District Council polling is happening under Merrivale Bridge UNLESS YOU ARE A GOAT

7:29am Oh dear. Some keen voters forgot about the Carrion. Luckily, we have a very healthy magpie population, so their chances of recovery are high. Remember, Carrion occurs between 7:25am – 7:42am, 11:58am – 12:30pm and 10:17pm – 10:19pm on alternating days. It’s really very simple.

7:43am FIRST SUCCESFUL VOTER OF THE DAY 🙂

7:43am False alarm: it was a pigeon in disguise.

7:51am Some of you are saying that you don’t understand how to vote for the District Councillors. I will explain in five easy steps:

  1. Take your ballot paper to Merrivale Bridge, which is at the back of the Library until 4pm when it usually moves to SpiderPath.
  2. Tick one of the blanked out boxes on your ballot paper.
  3. Give your ballot paper to Seren the Underbridge Troll.
  4. Walk away backwards while intoning the Democratic Litany of Woes as Gaeilge.
  5. hdhfkj fjjfas eehba8477rbzsbc ppirtkn”asbfuywqi  ojbkj

8:00am Slow turnout so far. Spring has just suplexed Summer across Hope Park, so expect delays if you are travelling in that area.

8:07am Sally’s Church is having some difficulty with demonic apparitions and ghostly choirs. Official guidance is to take salt with you.

8:09am THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES

8:10am Apologies, the official blog appears to have caught a gremlin. We have just had Cllr Dewdrop the Goat in to vote, with her new husband Jeff the Taxidermist. An unlikely couple…

8:17am People appear, people vote, people die horribly. I’m only doing this job to avoid the historian conscriptions, which are such BULLSHIT. I mean, nobody will even explain why history has to be tamed? Is wild history so bad? What would actually happen if we just let history run wild?

8:19am I have just received a 2,000 word email from Amelie Ng explaining why wild history is harmful. It’s very… Academic.

8:20am We’ve had a rush of dryads. If our figures are right, we’ve had nearly all the dryads in Tantamount, excepting maelids. As I’m sure you recall, the maelids were this year disqualified from voting on the grounds of being extremely annoying. Many maelids are attempting to grow apple trees outside the polling stations in protest.

8:27am Have now received 3,000 word email from Joanna Preet arguing in favour of wild history. It could be the Eldritch Terror in the shape of Mrs. Preet, but who knows really.

8:44am Big rush at Furaha Hall, and some boxes are being taken for counting. Cllr Johnson Johnson is currently outside Darkway House, slapping anyone who votes with a dead fish “on principle”. The nyads are not impressed and are threatening floods.

8:46am Spring and Summer are doing something that I really hope is a horizontal dance move over Hope Park. The wild boar are… howling?

THESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVES

10:49am I seem to have lost some time. Is everyone alright? I feel a little dizzy. Some sort of mass Dislocation?

11:01am Amelie Ng has now emailed me an essay titled “Dislocation and Wild Time: Causation or Correlation?” It is 6,000 words long. Did she… Did she just write this? During the mass Dislocation?

11:14am The Serendipitous Squid made it in to vote, despite not being fully recovered. Of course, it voted once for each tentacle, as they all have minds of their own.  Lovely to see it recovering 🙂 It did unfortunately eat some of the other voters, but such are the perils of modern democracy.

11: 27am Has anyone else noticed that the parish map in Nymphtree Station still has the cemeteries marked? Weird…

11:29am COFEEE! MY ONE TRUE LOVE

11:30am Yes Jamie, that includes you. I’m serious. I have coffee. I don’t need anything else.

11:35am Rabblehill Primary School have all turned up as Vikings. I think they are trying to disband the polling stations but my Old Norse is not particularly good.

11:44am oh dear

11:45am Darkway House and Nymphtree Station have been taken by the Primary School Vikings, who are burning the votes and doing some sort of…summoning?

11:49am They have opened a history hole. Official recommendation is to stay away from the newly declared Danelaw areas. Votes from those areas have sadly been lost, so we recommend you vote again if you are able.

12noon The Woman in the Well came to vote! I just, I can’t even SHE IS SO COOL LIKE HAVE U EVEN HEARD HER BACKSTORY SHE IS THE MOST BADASS OF ALL THE BADDASES at least at the moment, history being what it is, I mean, this is the woman who, back in Ye Olde Days, was mercilessly pursued by this, like, Nice Guytm wizard who was all “Since I have laid eyes on you I cannot rest I am entranced by your beauty release me from this pain with your magical smex blah blah blah blah blah”and anyway she was all “BITCH I am a BOSSARSE magician and I can SCIENCE YOUR SHIT UP and I am meant to be, like, happy that you like my face?” And he was all “Yes, for I am A MAN” and she was just like “Hel no” and they had

12:05 an amazing duel with shapeshifting and everything and she PWNED HIS PUNY ARSE I KID YOU NOT and so he went off licking his wounds and she went back to science and sorcery and her super awesome girlfriend (who was TOTALLY A BABE) and they were all happy and just hanging out and magicking shit up except NiceGuytm totally couldn’t take a hint so he CURSED HER TO BE STUCK IN A WELL or something because, um reasons? Like, I mean, why would you do that? SO long story short she just loopholed the shit out of this curse and then lured him to her well and DROWNED HIS SCRAWNY ARSE and like, her girlfriend basically invented SCUBA diving equipment so they could hang out and ksdjfksdjhfksdjgfhksjh I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT TO MEET HER

12:15pm I do not think you all appreciate her awesomeness properly. DO NOT MAKE ME SCHOOL YOU ALL, I WILL! I WILL COME TO ALL YOUR HOUSES AND YOU WILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME TELL YOU ALL THE AWESOME THINGS THAT THE WOMAN IN THE WELL HAS EVER DONE, DO NOT TEMPT ME I WILL DO THIS

12:22pm Oh, and also, like, there’s a battle going on outside Furaha Hall. The Vikings have brought a longship, but they are being repelled by a small cohort of sleep-deprived college students. Clllr Johnson Johnson is throwing fish from afar.

12:30pm Joanna Preet is here in person.

12:32pm Please help. She is talking at me. A lot. About Wild history. I do not even understand what she is saying! I don’t know what reverse-angled quantum chrono entanglement is!

12:33pm pleas just vote

12:35pm Amelie Ng has appeared. This… This is going to be bad.

12:40pm They are now hopscotching threateningly at each other while insulting each other’s work ethics and qualifications using kennings. I am very tempted to film this.

12:44pm VIKINGS! SHIT SHIT SHIT VIKINGS SHIT

12:46PM HOW DO THEY HAVE A LONGSHIP THAT FLOATS OH FUCK I AM NOT BUILT FOR RUNNING

1:00PM okay, I am safe. I ran off and hid, not telling you where. I saved a few voting boxes though.

1:05pm Summer and Spring were not dancing BTW….  Just, if you were wondering about that.

1:22pm Right, Cllr Dewdrop just brought the Fire Spawn to the fight. Which is going well, but maybe just avoid the battlefeilds? I am working on setting up a temporary polling station in Hope Park. The Wild Boar are willing to trade protection and passage for voting rights, which is REALLY going to piss the Maelids off…

1:46 oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck THE SHADOW COUNCIL THE SHADOW COUNCIL THESHADOW COUNCIL

There is something in my mind there is a fog I cannot everything is so clear and I can see them now descending from above in glorious technicolour their tendrils reflective as of glass and ice on a winter’s day and they are arriving they will take the votes and count them ascending gloriously and they will fight for us from the shadows they will uphold the safety of this cursed  blessed town the town of the daughter of the magpies and rshfhmnvfnbfggljllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll/.;n,

6:56pm Hello I am alive! Yes I am also surprised by this. I am in Pinprick Cafe, getting free drinks courtesy of Thora Hope. She says she found me unconscious at the edge of Hope Park, and managed to negotiate me away from the Wild Boar who were waiting to see if I would  be die before they ate me (very considerate). I’ve made contact with some of the other polling stations: we managed to save almost a third of the total voting boxes, and compared to previous voting years losses were minimal. The votes are now being counted at a secure and secret location (although Cllr Johnson Johnson has dropped multiple hints about where this is). The District Council have already declared themselves as the winners: I could not reach Seren the Underbridge troll for a comment on this. And Amelie Ng has apparently signed me out of historian conscription, saying I have the wrong sort of mind for it. Which I am totally fine with. It’s been a long day, and a lot of you braved the elements and battles to get your votes in. I advise you all to get inside and activate your charms, as all the fighting in the streets has got the pigeons worked up and they are shitting on everything. The sylphs think this is hilarious. I am completely exhausted, and I keep having strange flashbacks of floating jellyfish. So for now I am signing off. Jamie, if you are still alive, I have some coffee I’d love to share with you<3

THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES


Tantamount will return at some point, although who really understands how linear time works anyway?

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

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