Tales From Tantamount: A confused Month, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Even Tantamount is not sure what’s happening in Tantamount this month.

Police Notice
We are on strike due to unsafe working conditions. We are willing to deal with many things, but small children full of sugar is our limit. We will return once the threat is over. Until then, you are alone among the graven stones of darkest night and when the terror strikes when it strikes who will be there to save you? Who will hold you? Who will catch you before you hit the ground? There will be no fall no flight and in the depths of darkest night the carrion are calling, calling, calling…
For more information, visit the police station. Open occasionally.

Weather Report Today the weather weighed heavy on your tongue, like a very large piece of fudge that stuck behind your teeth (if your teeth were the size of your arms). Unfortunately, it did not taste of fudge, but of crispy broccoli and sugar. People found it rather hard to talk.

Notice
Tantamount has recently moved into a swamp. Which has made our lives tricky. Several houses have sunk, and we are working on re-homing those affected by this. We have also discovered the Witch, who lives in the third hut along from the Central Spire, with the chicken legs. We recommend not bothering her. If you absolutely must, we have heard that she likes tea, handkerchiefs, tobacco, ornate combs, vintage tamagachi and half-remembered aspirations from childhood.
Tantamount District Council

Whether Report Sometimes things that seem to be in opposition are true. Sometimes there are several alternatives. Perhaps you have to choose, and perhaps you can have both or all or neither. The whethers today were whispered and full of hope and papery-thin – they sounded like lizards formed of papyrus, hiding in the cracks from rain.

KEEP OFF MY LAWN OR ELSE I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STEAL YOUR FEMURS!@!!!!

Notice
Please be wary of the Seagull Whirlpool. It is wary of you, and you should return the favour. It would be a shame if it stopped being wary of you…
Tantamount District Council

KEEP CALM AND CARRION

Headlines in Tantamount, on about the 1st of July, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag
The Faethm Explorer
Giant owl devours Skaaalanda suburb p2-4
Faethm News
Firefighters tackle blaze, get chased home by  angry sparklings p3
Tantamount Life
Wildlife special! Get to know your local elementals, plus tips on how to avoid being eaten by them p2-10

Proverb of the day: Falling feels like flying until you hit the ground.
We have tested this extensively, using “volunteer” test subjects hooked up to headphones and microphones. We have been unable to conclude anything particularly conclusive, and interference from the local avian population has probably invalidated our results anyway. We can, however, conclude that a large majority of falling persons feel quite strongly about the situation. In other news, you should all ignore the people falling from the sky.
Tantamount District Council

Warning
Tantamount does not have a tram system. Do not get on the trams.
Tantamount District Council

RE RE: Aquatic display
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan

Hi Laura,
I think that went really well. The sirens were unexpected, although with hindsight we really should have anticipated that. And you dealt with the Woman in Well with remarkable calm.

Also, and this may be a personal question so please don’t feel you have to answer, but were those her trousers you were wearing yesterday…?

Best wishes,
Thora Hope,
Manager – pinprick cafe
Attached: antiviralblessing9.6.pentagram.doc

RE RE RE: Aquatic display
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

…they were her trousers…

Attached: Antiviralblessings.doc

RE RE RE RE: Aquatic display
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan

Should I be congratulating you?

Thora Hope,
Manager – pinprick cafe
Attached: antiviralblessing9.6.pentagram.doc

RE RE RE RE RE RE: Aquatic display
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

I think so? I mean, I figured out what the notes were. On a not unrelated note; do you happen to know where I can get the good underwater breathing apparatus?

Laura
Attached: Antiviralblessings.doc

THE OCEAN REMEMBERS YOU
The ocean remembers when
you were just an atom
snuggled deep within its waves.
The ocean remembers when
you were a microorganism;
when you were a small small part of something
too huge to understand and cradled in water.
The ocean remembers.
The ocean remembers primordial ooze.
The ocean has seeped into our streets.
The ocean will not let you sleep.
The ocean remembers you:
She wants you to come home now…
(found in seaweed tangled around the legs of sleeping people, spread across the town)

Notice to our operators
Strange people have been seen entering the Silver Branch Tram System. They appear to be from elsewhere. Please remember to check for tickets, or spiritual guides. It is our duty to guard the sanctity of the Way Down.
Many thanks,
Faethm Council

Warning! Flying wishes! Danger of high-speed collision and terrible longing. Possibility of Sondheim, wrapped in the bacon of desire! Warning! Warning!

Missing: 4×4 landrover, last seen parked at supermarket. When I came out after purchasing my artisanal, hand-foraged chicory, my 4×4 landrover was nowhere to be seen. I am concerned for Bertilda (the landrover), as the land is swampy at the moment and she may have gotten muddy. Please report any sightings to Algernon xxxxx 725 333


Expect more Tantamount later in July.

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