Tales From Tantamount: Almost June of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Being an ongoing record of various Happenings, Unhappenings, Persons and Ephemera from the town of Tantamount, most often found along the river Severn, and therefore by nature occassionally Welsh.

KEEP CALM AND CARRION

 

Headlines in Tantamount, around the 1st June
The Tantamount Herald
Yearly quota of sunlight almost entirely used already, p4
Tantribune
Safety warnings put out for roaming packs of feral children, now released from school p3
The-Mind-That-Lives-In-The-Soil is stirring, p4-6
Tantamount Life
Big Cats form historical guild, claim they have been misrepresented p2

 Notice
This area, heretofore known as ‘the area’, is to be kept clear at all times. This is due to unpredictable manifestations. We recommend that, should strangely compelling food suddenly appear here, you do not eat it.
Tantamount District Council

Warning
Morris dancers sighted here. Take protective measures.

A discussion of the so-called Shadow Council, by Celeste Lupe Hildibjorgsdottir
Recent months have seen the abrupt emergence of a Shadow Council, complete with a re-spawned history and varied conspiracy theories. Although this in itself is not unusual for Tantamount, what is interesting is the secrecy. Most historical discoveries/tamings quickly become a matter of public record, and are just as quickly subsumed, unhappened, eaten or discarded. The Shadow Council, however, comes to us not through our vaunted historians but through scattered leaflets, whispered gossip and, most notably, the live blog of the recent elections (the writer of which has been permanently banned from the historian profession). So who, or what, is the Shadow Council?
There appears to be some connection with the Pinprick Cafe, and various whispers point to Thora Hope as a member. Thora Hope, as residents of Tantamount go, is remarkably interesting in that she is neither native, nor has she spent any time Out Of Town. She has made no comment on her supposed membership of the Shadow Council, and I was distracted from my questions by a truly excellent mocha. She also employs a chef, Laura Lovelace, who has spent time Out Of Town. Laura does not like to discuss it, and maintains that the outside was so confusing that it is barely comprehensible once returned.
But I have been sidetracked. It has been suggested that the Shadow Council are in direct opposition to the District Council, an idea which the District Council “oppose in the strongest terms, but in such a way as to not imply we really believe the Shadow Council to exist at all”. Perhaps an act of collective dreaming can highlight… From this point the essay has been heavily censored, with perhaps more vehemence than necessary, and the only other words that can be made out are hills, Hope, and reigniting.

Weather report
The weather today was a lowlevel growl, felt primarily in the base of the spine and tummy. It caused many people to believe they had a small animal living inside them (in some cases this was even true). Little showers of kindness fell throughout the day.

Notice
Tantamount is currently experiencing fluctuating levels of wilderness. Please take care when out in the wilderness, as it is easy to become lost in the depths of the within-without that is found there. We recommend you carry lucky charms, and try to avoid reflective surfaces. Instances of self-devouring have been linked to unsafe wilderness exposure, although equally many people return much happier than before, and with the added ability to sprout vines from interesting places.
Tantamount District Council

RE: Aquatic display
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora,
Please find attached the menu for the Aquatic Display night – I consulted with some nyads to make it a more authentic experience, and it actually works out cheaper for us. I’m not sure it will taste any good, but with the right marketing I think people will come anyway so that they can look good… Is it bad that I really hate some of our customers? You know, the bastards with all the money and entitlement?
Also, the Woman in the Well keeps leaving me these enigmatic little notes which I can’t quite read (they are too damp and the pen is smudged). I feel bad, because I have no idea what she is trying to say to me, but she puts so much effort in and always persuades the waitstaff to give me tips.
Hope you are recovered from the near miss with the Carrion the other day – so glad those magpies were on hand!

Best wishes,
Laura Lovelace
AntiviralBlessing.doc
AquaDisplayMenu.doc

Lost Extremely sentimental scrying mirror, used for nostalgic memory-viewing. Reward offered! Eurydice xxxxx 872365


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Tales From Tantamount: Late May of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Brief missives from the wandering town of Tantamount. It really is a lovely place, except for all the death…

Headlines in Tantamount, 26th?? May
The Tantamount Herald
Summer fashion recommendations for June: 18th century armour, breathing tanks, and hornets. P3
Tantribune
47 dead in longship collision. Sales of longships now restricted to people who know what they are doing. Full story p2
Six more Morris sides go rogue in dispute over health and safety rules, claim that ripping holes in time and space is “part of tradition” p5
Tantamount Life
Unrestful dead haunt the streets, make extremely boring demands. p3 Personal story “My mum turned up and kept berating me about lack of grandchildren” p3
Are health and safety rules killing our traditions? We had a secret meeting with the cat of the Tantamount Trickster’s leader to find out p7

Proverb for the day Many a mickle makes a muckle. We have found that this sounds like sufficiently wise nonsense that people will nod along, and then leave looking baffled. It is a good response to many things, especially if said threateningly enough.  We hope therefore, that when you come to the Council Offices demanding answers about our electoral procedures, you already know what response you are going to get.
And that’s only if you get past the wild boar.
Tantamount District Council

Have you considered urine? Well, have you?

Lost Small asteroid, containing octopus eggs. Please return to xXyyllrrgrgwiiuy
Lost Beloved chicken, name of Marshmallow, bantam. Quite talkative, if a little dim. xxxxx 771232 Mika
Found Dispersed memories, floating around Jasperine Road. Mostly sepia, some completely non-visual, all featuring a pair of very nice shoes. Latisha xxxxx 908 783
For Sale Carnivorous plant, very large, not yet sentient. Todd xxxxx 232 121

Weather Report
The weather today fell on everybody’s heads repeatedly, causing a lot of headaches and some property damage. There were pleasing trickles of mist between the buildings, which were oddly affectionate and not at all evil.

Announcement
It has come to our attention that our esteemed town does not have a motto. After consulting with local hedgewitches and a few randomly selected members of the public, we have decided on a motto which we think everyone can enjoy: Keep Calm and Carrion

Warning
This bridge is false. It will tell you otherwise – do not listen! It is in some sort of mutually beneficial relationship with the siren living in the river below, and they will work together to drown and devour you. Please go the long way round, unless of course you don’t mind being tricked by a bridge and eaten by a siren.
Tantamount District Council
PS the siren is called Michael, and the bridge-that-is-not-here is called Angelo. Just in case you were curious.


Phew! A short one! May is a difficult month for me for various reasons, but hopefully I’ll be back on form in June.

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Tales From Tantamount: Maybe May of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

This special missive from Tantamount proves that Tantamount has both bloggers and blogs, though perhaps not all the time and certainly not in a consistent relationship with each other. This particular extract was found floating through the electronic aether chasing sparrows, and is believed to be a fairly accurate depiction of the voting process in this bizarre place…

7:15am Welcome to this live blog of the Council elections, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag. I am Suri, and I will be blogging throughout the day as Tantamount goes to the polls. It’s a busy morning so far: Spring is out and about and looking gorgeous as ever. Unfortunately, Summer is out as well and they appear to be doing battle.

7:22am Oh! What a hit! Summer clocks Spring with an uprooted tree! Impressive stuff.

7:23am appparently Spring knows judo… Also, the polling stations are now set up, and include Darkway House, Furaha Hall, Sally’s Church, Nymphtree Station and Yestreen Hall.

7:25am District Council polling is happening under Merrivale Bridge UNLESS YOU ARE A GOAT

7:29am Oh dear. Some keen voters forgot about the Carrion. Luckily, we have a very healthy magpie population, so their chances of recovery are high. Remember, Carrion occurs between 7:25am – 7:42am, 11:58am – 12:30pm and 10:17pm – 10:19pm on alternating days. It’s really very simple.

7:43am FIRST SUCCESFUL VOTER OF THE DAY 🙂

7:43am False alarm: it was a pigeon in disguise.

7:51am Some of you are saying that you don’t understand how to vote for the District Councillors. I will explain in five easy steps:

  1. Take your ballot paper to Merrivale Bridge, which is at the back of the Library until 4pm when it usually moves to SpiderPath.
  2. Tick one of the blanked out boxes on your ballot paper.
  3. Give your ballot paper to Seren the Underbridge Troll.
  4. Walk away backwards while intoning the Democratic Litany of Woes as Gaeilge.
  5. hdhfkj fjjfas eehba8477rbzsbc ppirtkn”asbfuywqi  ojbkj

8:00am Slow turnout so far. Spring has just suplexed Summer across Hope Park, so expect delays if you are travelling in that area.

8:07am Sally’s Church is having some difficulty with demonic apparitions and ghostly choirs. Official guidance is to take salt with you.

8:09am THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES

8:10am Apologies, the official blog appears to have caught a gremlin. We have just had Cllr Dewdrop the Goat in to vote, with her new husband Jeff the Taxidermist. An unlikely couple…

8:17am People appear, people vote, people die horribly. I’m only doing this job to avoid the historian conscriptions, which are such BULLSHIT. I mean, nobody will even explain why history has to be tamed? Is wild history so bad? What would actually happen if we just let history run wild?

8:19am I have just received a 2,000 word email from Amelie Ng explaining why wild history is harmful. It’s very… Academic.

8:20am We’ve had a rush of dryads. If our figures are right, we’ve had nearly all the dryads in Tantamount, excepting maelids. As I’m sure you recall, the maelids were this year disqualified from voting on the grounds of being extremely annoying. Many maelids are attempting to grow apple trees outside the polling stations in protest.

8:27am Have now received 3,000 word email from Joanna Preet arguing in favour of wild history. It could be the Eldritch Terror in the shape of Mrs. Preet, but who knows really.

8:44am Big rush at Furaha Hall, and some boxes are being taken for counting. Cllr Johnson Johnson is currently outside Darkway House, slapping anyone who votes with a dead fish “on principle”. The nyads are not impressed and are threatening floods.

8:46am Spring and Summer are doing something that I really hope is a horizontal dance move over Hope Park. The wild boar are… howling?

THESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVESTHESHADOWCOUNCILLIVES

10:49am I seem to have lost some time. Is everyone alright? I feel a little dizzy. Some sort of mass Dislocation?

11:01am Amelie Ng has now emailed me an essay titled “Dislocation and Wild Time: Causation or Correlation?” It is 6,000 words long. Did she… Did she just write this? During the mass Dislocation?

11:14am The Serendipitous Squid made it in to vote, despite not being fully recovered. Of course, it voted once for each tentacle, as they all have minds of their own.  Lovely to see it recovering 🙂 It did unfortunately eat some of the other voters, but such are the perils of modern democracy.

11: 27am Has anyone else noticed that the parish map in Nymphtree Station still has the cemeteries marked? Weird…

11:29am COFEEE! MY ONE TRUE LOVE

11:30am Yes Jamie, that includes you. I’m serious. I have coffee. I don’t need anything else.

11:35am Rabblehill Primary School have all turned up as Vikings. I think they are trying to disband the polling stations but my Old Norse is not particularly good.

11:44am oh dear

11:45am Darkway House and Nymphtree Station have been taken by the Primary School Vikings, who are burning the votes and doing some sort of…summoning?

11:49am They have opened a history hole. Official recommendation is to stay away from the newly declared Danelaw areas. Votes from those areas have sadly been lost, so we recommend you vote again if you are able.

12noon The Woman in the Well came to vote! I just, I can’t even SHE IS SO COOL LIKE HAVE U EVEN HEARD HER BACKSTORY SHE IS THE MOST BADASS OF ALL THE BADDASES at least at the moment, history being what it is, I mean, this is the woman who, back in Ye Olde Days, was mercilessly pursued by this, like, Nice Guytm wizard who was all “Since I have laid eyes on you I cannot rest I am entranced by your beauty release me from this pain with your magical smex blah blah blah blah blah”and anyway she was all “BITCH I am a BOSSARSE magician and I can SCIENCE YOUR SHIT UP and I am meant to be, like, happy that you like my face?” And he was all “Yes, for I am A MAN” and she was just like “Hel no” and they had

12:05 an amazing duel with shapeshifting and everything and she PWNED HIS PUNY ARSE I KID YOU NOT and so he went off licking his wounds and she went back to science and sorcery and her super awesome girlfriend (who was TOTALLY A BABE) and they were all happy and just hanging out and magicking shit up except NiceGuytm totally couldn’t take a hint so he CURSED HER TO BE STUCK IN A WELL or something because, um reasons? Like, I mean, why would you do that? SO long story short she just loopholed the shit out of this curse and then lured him to her well and DROWNED HIS SCRAWNY ARSE and like, her girlfriend basically invented SCUBA diving equipment so they could hang out and ksdjfksdjhfksdjgfhksjh I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT TO MEET HER

12:15pm I do not think you all appreciate her awesomeness properly. DO NOT MAKE ME SCHOOL YOU ALL, I WILL! I WILL COME TO ALL YOUR HOUSES AND YOU WILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME TELL YOU ALL THE AWESOME THINGS THAT THE WOMAN IN THE WELL HAS EVER DONE, DO NOT TEMPT ME I WILL DO THIS

12:22pm Oh, and also, like, there’s a battle going on outside Furaha Hall. The Vikings have brought a longship, but they are being repelled by a small cohort of sleep-deprived college students. Clllr Johnson Johnson is throwing fish from afar.

12:30pm Joanna Preet is here in person.

12:32pm Please help. She is talking at me. A lot. About Wild history. I do not even understand what she is saying! I don’t know what reverse-angled quantum chrono entanglement is!

12:33pm pleas just vote

12:35pm Amelie Ng has appeared. This… This is going to be bad.

12:40pm They are now hopscotching threateningly at each other while insulting each other’s work ethics and qualifications using kennings. I am very tempted to film this.

12:44pm VIKINGS! SHIT SHIT SHIT VIKINGS SHIT

12:46PM HOW DO THEY HAVE A LONGSHIP THAT FLOATS OH FUCK I AM NOT BUILT FOR RUNNING

1:00PM okay, I am safe. I ran off and hid, not telling you where. I saved a few voting boxes though.

1:05pm Summer and Spring were not dancing BTW….  Just, if you were wondering about that.

1:22pm Right, Cllr Dewdrop just brought the Fire Spawn to the fight. Which is going well, but maybe just avoid the battlefeilds? I am working on setting up a temporary polling station in Hope Park. The Wild Boar are willing to trade protection and passage for voting rights, which is REALLY going to piss the Maelids off…

1:46 oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck THE SHADOW COUNCIL THE SHADOW COUNCIL THESHADOW COUNCIL

There is something in my mind there is a fog I cannot everything is so clear and I can see them now descending from above in glorious technicolour their tendrils reflective as of glass and ice on a winter’s day and they are arriving they will take the votes and count them ascending gloriously and they will fight for us from the shadows they will uphold the safety of this cursed  blessed town the town of the daughter of the magpies and rshfhmnvfnbfggljllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll/.;n,

6:56pm Hello I am alive! Yes I am also surprised by this. I am in Pinprick Cafe, getting free drinks courtesy of Thora Hope. She says she found me unconscious at the edge of Hope Park, and managed to negotiate me away from the Wild Boar who were waiting to see if I would  be die before they ate me (very considerate). I’ve made contact with some of the other polling stations: we managed to save almost a third of the total voting boxes, and compared to previous voting years losses were minimal. The votes are now being counted at a secure and secret location (although Cllr Johnson Johnson has dropped multiple hints about where this is). The District Council have already declared themselves as the winners: I could not reach Seren the Underbridge troll for a comment on this. And Amelie Ng has apparently signed me out of historian conscription, saying I have the wrong sort of mind for it. Which I am totally fine with. It’s been a long day, and a lot of you braved the elements and battles to get your votes in. I advise you all to get inside and activate your charms, as all the fighting in the streets has got the pigeons worked up and they are shitting on everything. The sylphs think this is hilarious. I am completely exhausted, and I keep having strange flashbacks of floating jellyfish. So for now I am signing off. Jamie, if you are still alive, I have some coffee I’d love to share with you<3

THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES


Tantamount will return at some point, although who really understands how linear time works anyway?

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Tales From Tantamount: The Depths of April, Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Tantamount continues to exist, despite the odds. And despite the odds, we continue to receive messages from the inside. They paint a picture that is almost incomprehensible to outsiders. How much is real? How much is the residents having a laugh at the expense of the outside world? Without visiting, we cannot know…

Poetry Summoning at the Subscription Rooms

Join us this Thursday for a poetry summoning. You will need a pen/cil, paper, a photograph of a childhood sweetheart, and a teaspoonful of bovril. We will gather together at the Twittering Hour, silently, in the lugubrious space of the blue room. The Elegiac Choir will be present to sing us into an appropriate mood. Mournfully, we shall draw the Three Circles of Threnodial Subjugation with blue chalk. Then, inside the gentle melancholy of the Circles’ embrace, Andreas Furbelow will lead us in a meditation calling upon the Spirit of Poetry to open in our hearts. Now ecstatic, our souls will spill out, inky, onto the page. We will continue until we are done.

Call Andreas Furbelow (Poet and Skald) for bookings: xxxxx721162

 

HERETICAL ORDER OF TROMBONISTS PRACTICE SESSION

GREEN ROOM, NR. BLUE ROOM

SUBSCRIPTION ROOMS

THURSDAY

BRING YOUR OWN TROMBONE

 

Weather report

Today the weather was a mixture of Motown beats and kulning. Cows were sighted dancing funkily all over the town.

 

Tantamount Grapevine (official)

So, the Pinprick Cafe has been closed for nearly two weeks now. Annette says it’s because the chef (Lara?) is on holiday and Thora decided she might as well have a holiday too. But Jacquelle says she saw the Woman in the Well hanging about near the cafe and dripping everywhere, and that she thinks it’s a bit odd, if you know what she means. Aaron swears he saw both Thora and Laura near Saltlick Book Cavern with supersoakers and pentagram jackets. He claims that Thora is a member of the Shadow Council, but that’s definitely nonsense. And Aethel and Aelfred had an enormous public row near the A Larksbjorn memorial. It was so vicious that a swarm of bees descended on them and they were forced to stand very still until the bees left. Also that Edith (the poet) has managed to evolve to have wings somehow: they have very lovely wings, quite fancy.

 

WARNING

PLEASE DO NOT DRIVE INTO THIS WALL!

WE MEAN IT!!!

 

Notice

The Serendipitous Squid has taken ill recently. We believe this is likely due to littering and aura pollution. As our wildlife expert has yet to return from negotiating with the Wild Boar, we have hired an anti-littering patrol consisting of five-year-olds equipped with cattle prods, and an auric cleansing expert to clean the mystic crystals which surround Llyn Dwfn Tywyll Lake. Thoughts and prayers for the Serendipitous Squid can be left in the donation box.

Tantamount District Council

 

FOUND: Spare room, unattached. Found near Pithy Way. Has yellow wallpaper. Lottie xxxxx 209 123
FOUND: Crate of air goldfish, badly contained. Anya xxxxx 776524
LOST: Extremely precious toenail clipping. Dom xxxxx 716 128
FOR SALE: Flamingoes, pink. Mostly housetrained, very good at protective hexes. Latisha xxxxx 085276

 

Police Notice

The police are looking for a person. We are not sure what they look like. Their aura was turquoise. They had a face. They are presumed dangerous. Do not approach. They lost us in the Carrion. We don’t remember. We don’t remember. The darkness descended. The police are looking for a person. Contact us. Use the bees. Their aura was green. They had a face. Their eyes were slices of laughter. They lost us in the Carrion. It is your duty, as a citizen of Tantamount, to help the police. They did something. We don’t know who they are.

 

Notice

Spring is late this year. We can only presume that she is still sleeping somewhere deep in the earth. A Spring awakening ceremony will be held on the Dumpsy Tump. We will begin gently, with soft singing and a rendition of the famous morning song Truly, it is time to get out of bed. Hot tea will be poured onto the earth to encourage Spring’s awakening. After an hour, we will move onto more rousing songs such as Hades is no fun anyway, We are all bloody cold, Oh Spring and When will the Daffodil Beast run free once more?. A mass fry up will be made, and devoured with many appreciative noises. Should all this fail, we will be forced to elect a Champion to travel into the Dumpsy Tump and hit the gong. Hopefully, it will not come to this.

Tantamount District Council

 

THE SHADOW COUNCIL LIVES

note found scrawled on pieces of green paper strewn across Tantamount


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Tales From Tantamount: Maybe April of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

Further news from Tantamount, a town that continues to baffle small minds everywhere…

Headlines in Tantamount April 1stish
The Tantamount Herald
Carrion devours Faethm, vastly improves party p2
Clllr Dewdrop announces engagement p4
Tantribune
Day of Fools brings about bizarre instances of linear history p3
Tantamount Life
Big cat seen riding a flamingo – IS THE CAT A WITCH??? p2-5

Notice
We have finished testing the public marijuana fountain, and it will once again be open to the public. It works very well now. The usual warnings apply: do not use if you are under sixteen/pregnant/an expectant divinity/a little bit odd/have straight hair/allergic to cannabis/were involved in the chickenpox scandal of the Year of the Toasted Frog.
Tantamount District Council

WOMB YOGA

Are you tired of your womb cramping? Does your uterus cause you pain? WOMB YOGA may be your answer! WOMB YOGA is a relaxing and tension-releasing practice, and has been proven to have a deeply spiritual effect on  stressed wombs. Simply remove your uterus, label it with your name, and send it to WOMB YOGA. Your womb will be returned at the end of the course.
Please note that incorrectly labelled wombs may not be returned. Abandoned wombs will be taxed.
Call Emily xxxxx 214 775

Notice
This is a tree.

Weather report
Today the weather had a tantrum and little squalls of rage bounced around the valleys. There were also minor showers of fish. We all had early barbecues.

 

Notice

We appear to have misjudged this whole “Wild Boar deal with the maelid infestation” thing. The Wild Boar have taken Hope Park and Valevalleyinclineditch Park, leaving us with Junkie Park. Don’t ask how the Wild Boar have managed to build fortifications. We don’t know. A wildlife expert is being sent in to open negotiations.
Tantamount District Council

Waterworks
Waterworks to take place everywhere. Traffic chaos guaranteed. We recommend you evolve into something with wings if you want to get anywhere remotely on time.  The sylphs may take offence, but that’s not our problem.
Trevern Sent

 

REGISTER TO VOTE
The Town and District Councils are to be completely re-elected this May. You have three days left to register to vote. Please fill in the attached form, return it to the Electoral Services, and offer up a sacrifice to Eldred the Whale. Anyone who fails to vote will have their vote randomised. NO PIGEONS! All other sentient beings are eligible to vote so long as they can prove they are eligible. Seeing as we expect you have forgotten who your local councillors are, we have compiled a brief rundown of the incumbent members.

TANTAMOUNT TOWN COUNCIL
Cllr Dewdrop the Goat
A vastly popular councillor, Dewdrop recently announced her engagement to Jeff the Taxidermist. Congratulations! She has been an avid advocate of Tantamount’s new rubbish system (that is, feeding it to the Fire Spawn), and is infamous for her no-nonsense approach to vandalism.
Cllr Carl the Dryad
This lissom birch dryad has not been seen much recently. And we’re not actually sure what he stands for or what his opinions are. But he has gorgeous bark and a lovely singing voice, so who cares really?
Cllr Johnson Johnson
What a charming buffoon Cllr Johnson Johnson is! Why, only last year she spent T3million on an ornamental octopus lake and billed it as an expense. She can be seen riding a unicycle to work, and flinging dead fish at her opponents. How charming! What antics!
Tory Party councillors
have all disappeared. We didn’t notice at the time. We don’t know how this happened.

TANTAMOUNT DISTRICT COUNCIL
Would like to remind everyone that since the Year of the Abandoned Shopping Trolley, members of the District Council have been afforded total anonymity in order to protect them from the consequences of their bad decisions. Therefore, no profiles of District Councillors will be released. The elections and their results will be held in secret and overseen by Seren the Underbridge Troll, who we all agree is very fair.
Regards,
Tantamount District Council

So there you have it! Remember to vote!

Reminder to all Launderette Customers
The dragons do not like artificial fibres, as they can trigger allergies and inconvenient sneezing. Please only use the dryers for clothes made of natural fibre.  The management takes responsibility for nothing whatsoever.

Proverb of the Day: The sky has a limit. Found written on the back of a child’s hand. We know that things can seem hopeless, and that sometimes you may surface from day-to-day life and realise that you live in a town overseen by a terrifying beast that randomly devours minds; that your friends vanish sometimes and your house is flooded with elementals who eat all the crisps. At this point, it can be useful to remember that the sky too has to stop, because if it goes any further the giant scarab-beetle sun will set it on fire. We hope you find this comforting.
Tantamount District Council


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Tales From Tantamount: Definitely March of the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag

More correspondence from Tantamount, an idiosyncratic town that occasionally goes missing…

FOUND: Small stone labyrinth, in the guttering of Saltlick Bookcavern. Remnants of red paint. Call  Arnie xxxxx 902121

RUSSAIN MANCANDY NEAR U WLD LIKE TO MEET SEXY PERSON OR TREE!!!

Found spat out on the pavement near a bin.

 

The Internet Revolution

Notes on the latest paper by Amelie Ng by Jamie Mansur. Remember this is due in next week!

  1. DISAGREE.Current evidence indicates an internet presence in Tantamount from the 1800’s.
  2. Internet wiring at first instance functioned along phonelines, and so bees were used a lot.
  3. Why are the bees dying???
  4. Experiments have been done with wasps and bats.
  5. Social media has had a positive effect on Tantamount’s relations to non-wandering reality: discuss. [see Amelie Ng’s first paper: tweeter.tan. For outside perspective, try that one co-authored by Mary Beard].
  6. There is a school of thought that says the success of the internet is mainly due to the blood sacrifice of pigeons. This seems kinda obvious to me? The other main school of thought is that somehow the advent of the internet and the disappearance of the cemeteries are related. Clearly fallacy.
  7. JAMIE YOU NEVER TALK TO ME ANYMORE I AM SO HUNGRY WHY WON’T YOU FEED ME ALL I ASK FOR IS FOOD AND COMPANIONSHIP AREN’T WE FRIENDS JAMIE AREN’T WE FRIENDS IT IS SO LONELY INSIDE THE MACHINE
    1. Note to self – buy a new laptop!
  8. Read up on the Danelaw period – currently this is important esp. regarding online Things.
  9. &&83()322095<>nnfi))jr3 jamiepleasejamie<<>>/////////

 

Weather Report

The weather today was lambent mist, filled with soft and friendly voices. A lot of beautiful youths were lost.

Notice

If you are stupid enough to disturb the daffodil beast you deserve everything you get.

Tantamount District Council

 

Warning: Heavy Plant Crossing

The plant is unusually touchy about its weight. Anyone found mocking the plant will be fined T75.00 and thrown to the Morris Dancers.
Tantamount District Council

 

FOUND: The Dumpsy Tump!

RE RE: Banned list
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora,

Please find attached my formal request for holiday time, and thanks for the banned list.

Also, the Woman in the Well has been coming in nearly every day, which is obviously fine, but don’t customers usually sit in the cafe area? It’s a little disconcerting having her in the kitchen…

Best wishes,
Laura Lovelace
AntiviralBlessing.doc
HolidaySchedule.doc

 

Tantamount Grapevine – UNOFFICIAL!

We can confidently report (because we’ve heard from trustworthy sources) that historian training sign-ups are at an all time low! They haven’t been lower since the Year of the Lonely Platypus, according to our Nan, although Old Ash says it was lower in the Year of the Demented Otter.  Either way, trainee historians are dropping faster than, well, trainee historians. And we even heard that Amelie Ng got hit by a bout of Dislocation the other day, which she escaped through judicious use of hopscotch…

 

Warning

This road, known as Road Road, will be closed for the twinning ceremony with Faethm. It’s irrelevant to the ceremony, we just thought we’d close it for fun. The police will be out in force on the night; they have asked us to tell you that they are bribeable with alcohol and woolly gloves. We are expecting a large contingent of magpies. Attendance is mandatory unless you really really don’t want to come.
Tantamount District Council

 

Notice

We are aware of the piano, and taking appropriate action. In the meantime, please do not approach. Those keys are sharp…

 

Weather report
IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS

 

FOUND: Unused ideas, carefully wrapped in tissue paper. They smell a bit like hot cross buns. Ish xxxxx 222 123

LOST: Shiny trombone full of bees! PLease return! Reward! Manda xxxxx 721 228

LOST: Body, human, male. Aged 29 years, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin. Last seen wearing a green tee, jeans, and a jacket with ‘Mythos’ emblazoned on the back. Call Meryl xxxxx 199 901

FOR SALE: Seven League boots, barely used. Kalila xxxxx 082166

 

RE  RE RE: Banned list
TO: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan
FROM: management@pinprick.tan

Dear Laura,

THE WOMAN IN THE WELL SHOULD NOT BE IN THE KITCHEN! NO CUSTOMERS SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN!

Ask her to leave. If she refuses, tell her the management has authorised you to turn on the dehumidifier.

I am happy to talk to her if this gets tricky – I don’t want to put you in a difficult situation. I have no idea why the Woman in the Well would be doing this all of a sudden!

Best wishes,
Thora Hope
PS your holiday dates are all approved.
AntiviralBlessing.doc

 

RE RE RE RE: Banned list
TO: management@pinprick.tan
FROM: lauralovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Thora,

I am fine to ask her myself, but thanks! It’s probably just a misunderstanding. Does she ever look familiar to you?

Best wishes,
Laura
AntiviralBlessings.doc

 

Proverb of the day: Blood is thicker than water. Found scrawled in graffiti at a murder scene. We understand that you are all a bit upset about how the twinning ceremony with Faethm went. However, have you realised that blood makes wonderful gravy?

Tantamount District Council


Tantamount will return in April, we hope…

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Tales From Tantamount: December of the Year of the Abandoned Shopping Trolley

This post is a story! A strange story, but a story! The first installment of Tales From Tantamount. Don’t worry, I will still do book reviews as well. Enjoy the weirdness. I’d recommend readers be 13ish and up – there’s going to be the occasional swear and some “mature themes”.

Tales from Tantamount

Being a found record of the town of Tantamount, starting in December of the year of the Abandoned Shopping Trolley and continuing into the Year of the Sad Plastic Bag.

TANTAMOUNT, adj: equivalent in seriousness to. Italian ‘tanto montare’= ‘amount to much’

noun: a small, strange town somewhere near the Severn, known to move about.

Welcome to Tantamount!

Population: undefined/nebulous.

Visitors to Tantamount are required to attend the orientation classes held at the Tourist Information Centre. Failure to attend these classes will be punished by Carrion. Tantamount takes no responsibility for injury, loss of life, spiritual dislocation or other harm caused to visitors who have not attended orientation.

We hope you enjoy your stay

Tantamount Tourist Board.

Do not feed the maelids!

Tantamount has a serious maelid problem. Please do not exacerbate it by feeding them. Maelids are quickly driving out the native dryads in the area, and feeding maelids will undermine our conservation work. Maelids are encouraged to remain in their own trees.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

Proverb of the Day: To have time, you have to make time. Chinese. Found on a teabag in a bin outside the Pinprick Cafe.

Tantamount District Council hopes that, in this difficult time, you will take some comfort from this proverb of the day. Tantamount District Council would also like to remind all residents that feeding time for Carrion is at 9:49pm sharp, and we advise residents to stay clear of the designated feeding zones at this time.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

A Short History of Tantamount, as recounted by A. Larksbjorn, infamous historian, to a live audience shortly before she fell foul of dislocation.

“History in Tantamount is notable due to its capricious nature. Native residents of Tantamount often find it hard to believe that in other places, history sits still and allows itself to be merely observed. Here, history is alive. It  moves. It changes daily depending on current and future trends.

“The current founding history of Tantamount is much unchanged, as the records are held in a Dead Zone. This means that it only changes in extreme circumstances. Other details are more changeable. For example, at the moment the earliest records of Tantamount are of a village that resisted Roman invaders. In fact, the Romans believed it to be cursed and would not go near it. The natives knew it as Inge, or possibly Ingenuk (although this could be a misspelling). It was left alone by common consent.

“There is currently a dispute as to whether Tantamount eventually capitulated; the Italian-based name suggests that it did, but there is little other evidence. Perenially, it seems that Tantamount moved for some time in order to be part of the Danelaw, and currently that is very strongly favoured, although the evidence for this tends to vanish at full moon.

“There is, of course, a founding myth. This myth goes that a tribe were lost and wandering in a storm. They prayed. And something delivered them – in most versions a female something. For many years there was prosperity. And then someone did something: this varies greatly. The chief refused to sacrifice his bull. The chief’s daughter sacrificed the chief’s bull without permission. The Chief tried to sacrifice his daughter, who was then turned into a bull. Somehow, insult was caused. In almost every version the daughter is transformed into a magpie or a bull. Tantamount was cursed to wander, or was blessed with wandering, or was simply cast out by the Something.

“Of course, with the advent of the internet and other…..

[at this point, A. Larksbjorn is attacked by a violent fit of dislocation. The crowd summoned a first aider, who performed a lovely song, but the dislocation was of such strength that A. Larksbjorn was lost. A memorial to her stands in the town centre. It sings at 43 minute intervals.]

Chef required

Must have own insurance. Karmic training preferable, but will accept past life experiences. References required (references from pigeons will not be accepted due to high levels of spamming). Enthusiasm about vegan food, stews and fortune-telling essential. Apply within.

Management,

Pinprick Cafe.

Please Note

The public marijuana fountain is not recommended for the use of anyone under the age of sixteen and/or expectant divinities and/or those recovering from accidental Carrion. The public marijuana fountain has been installed for the enjoyment of residents, and must be used responsibly. Please report any adverse reactions, including hallucinations, paranoia, illusions of grandeur, the sensation of linear history, or itching to your nearest Council official. Alternatively dial xxxxx777 777 and give your message to the bees.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.

Weather Report

The weather today has been foxy with slight showers and a side of smooth jazz-folk fusion. School children were especially affected.

Warning!

Visitors to the launderette are reminded that the management accepts no responsibility for incorrectly fed dragons. Please follow the instructions exactly. Singed clothes are not our responsibility. Remember to leave a sock for the Laundry Lady.

Thanks.

RE: Chef required

TO: management@pinprickcafe.tan

FROM: laurallovelace@hotmail.tan

Dear Madam, Sir or Mx,

I am writing to enquire about the advertised chef position at your establishment. I have insurance with the Yoga Alliance, which I understand is generally accepted for minor kitchen accidents. I have informal karmic training, and have recently gone on an extensive past life workshop with Aethel and Aelfred at the Tourist Information Centre. They said that I have a knack for fire. I am, to be honest, only a little bit interested in stews but I’m sure I could learn more about them. I love fortune-telling.

Please find my references attached.

Best wishes,

Laura Lovelace

Attachments: references.doc

anitiviral blessing.doc

NOTICE OF ROAD CLOSURE

This road, commonly known as Pinfarthing Way, will be shut on the 31st of December for the traditional Old Year festivities. Residents are invited to partake in the procession, beginning at 5pm from the A. Larksbjorn memorial and ending outside the Subscription Rooms with a performance from a local choir. There will then be a Dance of Mockery, complete with Mummers, signifying the utter uselessness of the last twelve months. Fires will be lit along Pinfarthing Way, and the history battles will be enacted by schoolchildren of Oakshade Primary. Bodies are expected to be cleared by 1pm on the 1st January; we recommend that residents plan alternative routes if they wish to travel that day.

Many thanks,

Tantamount District Council.


Expect to hear more from Tantamount in early January.



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